Grade by Grade
C. Healthy Living · Healthy Living: Informed Choices for Body, Mind and Relationships

Thinking Ahead: Sexual Health, Consent and Personal Limits

C2.3About 70 minutes
Learning goals
  • I can explain consent clearly, including what it is, what it isn't, and when it cannot be given.
  • I can state the basic Canadian laws about the age of consent.
  • I can think in advance about my own values and limits, and how I'll communicate them.
  • I can use decision-making skills to plan for my sexual health and safety, including choosing abstinence or delaying sexual activity.

Words to know

consent
A clear, freely given agreement to take part in an activity. For sexual activity, consent must be given every time, for each activity, and can be taken back at any time.
sexual limit
A personal boundary about what sexual activity, if any, you are comfortable with.
age of consent
The age at which a person can legally agree to sexual activity. In Canada it is 16, with some close-in-age exceptions.
abstinence
Choosing not to have sexual activity. Delaying means choosing to wait until later.
coercion
Pressuring someone with threats, guilt, repeated asking, or manipulation. Agreement given under coercion is not consent.
impaired
Affected by alcohol or drugs. A person who is very drunk or high cannot consent.

A note before you start

This lesson is part of Ontario's human development and sexual health learning for Grade 9. It sticks to facts and uses the correct terms. Read it with a trusted adult if you can, and remember: any question you have is a good question to ask a parent, a doctor or nurse, or a school counsellor.

Decide before the moment

Pilots go through a checklist before takeoff, not while the plane is in trouble. Decisions about sexual health work the same way. In the moment, feelings, pressure, nerves or alcohol can make clear thinking hard. Thinking ahead about your values and limits, while you're calm, helps you stay true to yourself.

The Grade 9 curriculum asks you to apply their knowledge of sexual health and safety, including a strong understanding of the concept of consent and sexual limits, and their decision-making skills to think in advance about their sexual health and sexuality (C2.3).

Remember from Grade 8

In Grade 8 you learned the essentials of consent (freely given, clear, specific, ongoing, informed) and the age of consent laws, and practised refusal and assertiveness skills. This year you'll apply them: thinking in advance about your own limits and how you'll communicate them.

Consent is FRIESFreely givenno pressure,guilt,threats ortricksReversibleanyone canchange theirmind at anytimeInformedhonest aboutwhat ishappeningEnthusiastica clear"yes", notsilence or "Iguess"Specificyes to onething isn'tyes toeverythingA person who is drunk, high, asleep or unconscious cannot consent.
Five parts of consent, remembered as FRIES. If any one is missing, there is no consent.

What consent is not

  • Silence or not saying no.
  • Saying yes after being pressured, threatened, guilted or asked over and over.
  • Being in a relationship, or having done something before.
  • Flirting, the way someone dresses, or accepting a ride or a gift.
  • A "yes" from someone who is drunk, high, asleep or unconscious.

Consent is needed every time and for every activity, including kissing and touching. It applies online too: you need consent before sending a sexual message, and sharing anyone's intimate image without consent is a crime. Asking is simple: "Is this okay?" "Do you want to stop?" Checking in shows respect.

Age of consent to sexual activity in Canada (Criminal Code)12131415161718age of the younger person12 to 13: only with apartner less than2 years older14 to 15: only with apartner less than5 years older16 and 17: can consent,but NOT with a personin a position of trustUnder 12: cannot consent. Under 18: no one can consent with a person in a positionof trust or authority over them (like a coach or teacher) or in an exploitative relationship.Legal is not the same as ready, and consent must always be FRIES.
Canada's age-of-consent rules (Department of Justice Canada). The close-in-age exceptions exist so that teens of similar age are not treated as criminals, but they never allow exploitation or relationships of trust or authority.

Thinking in advance about your limits

Use your decision-making skills now, not in the moment:

  1. Know your values. What do you, your family, your culture or your faith believe? What feels right for you?
  2. Set your limits. What are you comfortable with and not comfortable with? Many teens choose abstinence or to delay sexual activity, and that is a healthy, common choice. You can choose to wait at any time, even if you've done something before.
  3. Plan how you'll communicate them. Practise words: "I really like you, and I'm not ready for that."
  4. Plan for safety. Avoid situations that make limits harder to keep (alone, late, with alcohol or drugs). Have an exit plan and a code word with a parent. If someone is ever sexually active, plan protection (condoms, contraception, testing) before, not during.
  5. Expect respect. A partner who cares about you will accept your limits without pressure. If they don't, that's a warning sign.
  6. Revisit. Limits can change as you grow. Think them through again calmly when they do.

Alcohol and drugs change decisions

Alcohol and other drugs lower judgment and inhibitions, make it harder to communicate and notice cues, and make it harder to keep the limits you set. A person who is impaired cannot give consent. That's another reason that being substance-free protects your sexual health and safety.

Worked example

Let's check for consent

At a party, Sam and Jordan are kissing. Jordan has had several drinks and is slurring words. Sam asks, "Want to go somewhere quieter?" Jordan mumbles, "Mm, okay." Is there consent?

  1. Freely given? Unclear; there's no pressure stated, but...
  2. Informed and capable? No. Jordan is visibly impaired (slurring). A person who is drunk cannot consent.
  3. Enthusiastic? "Mm, okay" is not a clear, enthusiastic yes.
  4. What should Sam do? Stop. Make sure Jordan is safe: help find Jordan's friends, get water, or call a trusted adult. If Jordan can't be woken or is breathing strangely, call 911.

No consent. Jordan is impaired and the response isn't an enthusiastic yes. The respectful and legal choice is to stop and help Jordan get home safely.

Worked example

Let's think ahead

Priya, 15, has a boyfriend she really likes. They've been dating a month. Use the six thinking-ahead steps to help her plan.

  1. Values: Priya and her family value waiting; she also wants to focus on school and soccer.
  2. Limits: she's comfortable holding hands and kissing; she's not ready for anything more.
  3. Words: "I like being with you. I want to keep things where they are."
  4. Safety: hang out in groups or at home when a parent is around; no alcohol; a code word to text her mom.
  5. Respect: if he pressures her or sulks, that's a warning sign. She deserves someone who respects her limits.
  6. Revisit: she can talk to her mom, a doctor or the school nurse if questions come up later.

Priya's plan is clear, personal and practised. Deciding in advance makes it much easier to stay true to her limits.

Hands-on activity

My thinking-ahead card

You need: an index card or a private note. This is just for you; you don't have to show anyone.

  1. Write three values that matter to you in relationships (e.g. respect, honesty, faith, waiting).
  2. Write your limits for now, in your own words.
  3. Write two sentences you could say to communicate a limit kindly and firmly.
  4. Write your safety plan: who you'd text, your code word, situations you'll avoid.
  5. Write the names of two adults you trust with questions about sexual health.

What to look for: honest, specific statements in your own voice, and a real safety plan. (A grown-up can check only the safety plan and the trusted-adult list, if you want.)

Your turn

1

What does FRIES stand for?

2

Can a person who is drunk or high give consent?

3

What is the general age of consent to sexual activity in Canada?

4

Can someone change their mind after saying yes?

5

Give two examples of what is not consent.

6

Name two steps for thinking ahead about your limits.

7

Why is it better to decide your limits before a situation happens?

More practice: warm-up

1

Is silence consent?

2

Is abstinence a valid choice even if someone has been sexually active before?

3

Does consent apply online?

4

Is "I guess" an enthusiastic yes?

5

Name one simple way to check for consent.

More practice: on your own

1

A 14-year-old and a 17-year-old are dating. Using the age-of-consent rules, can they legally consent to sexual activity? Explain.

2

A 13-year-old and a 16-year-old are dating. Can they legally consent to sexual activity? Explain.

3

Explain why "we're dating, so it's okay" doesn't equal consent.

4

Write a kind but firm way to communicate a limit to someone you like.

5

Why does planning for protection need to happen before sexual activity, not during?

Challenge

1

Someone says, "If you really loved me, you would." Analyse this using consent and communication skills, and write a response.

2

Explain how C2.3 connects to at least three other lessons in this unit.

3

A friend tells you that something sexual happened to her at a party when she was very drunk and she feels awful. How do you respond?

Check your understanding

Quiz

1.

Which is an example of consent?

2.

Can a person withdraw consent after saying yes?

3.

What is the general age of consent in Canada?

4.

A 14-year-old can consent only with a partner who is...

5.

Why is it helpful to set your limits in advance?

6.

"If you really cared, you would" is an example of...

For parents and teachers

About this content: This lesson is part of the human development and sexual health expectations of Ontario's Grade 9 course, Healthy Active Living Education (PPL1O, 2015 curriculum). It follows the curriculum's wording, uses correct terms and stays factual; it does not describe how to do sexual activities. Families who have concerns about this part of the course can talk to the school about its policy and options. At home, you may choose to read it together, add your family's values, or teach the topic in your own way.

Big idea: C2.3: apply their knowledge of sexual health and safety, including a strong understanding of the concept of consent and sexual limits, and their decision-making skills to think in advance about their sexual health and sexuality. The lesson presents abstinence and delaying as healthy, common choices, and focuses on consent, personal limits and safety planning. No humour block is included.

Facts used: Department of Justice Canada: age of consent 16; 14- and 15-year-olds can consent with a partner less than 5 years older, 12- and 13-year-olds with a partner less than 2 years older, provided there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency and no exploitation; 16- and 17-year-olds cannot consent with a person in a position of trust or authority or in an exploitative relationship. A person who is impaired, asleep or unconscious cannot consent.

How to help at home: share your family's values about relationships and sexuality, and make a no-questions-asked pickup plan with a code word. The thinking-ahead card is private; respect that, while letting your teen know you're available.

Common difficulties: thinking consent only matters for intercourse; believing a relationship equals consent; confusing what is legal with what they are ready for.