D. Composition: Expressing Ideas and Creating Texts · Writing with Purpose: Research, Essays, Media and Publishing

Revising for Clarity, Focus and Coherence

D2.5About 70 minutes

Learning goals

I can revise the content, style, patterns and features of a draft, working from big issues to small ones.
I can add, delete, revise and reorganize sentences to improve clarity, focus and coherence.
I can use revision strategies such as a reverse outline, reading aloud and the "So what?" test.
I can ask for specific feedback and decide which feedback to use and why.

Words to know

revision
Re-seeing a draft and making changes to its ideas, organization and style (not just fixing errors).

ARMS
A revision checklist: Add, Remove, Move, Substitute.

clarity
How easily a reader can understand what you mean.

focus
How well everything in a text supports its main purpose or thesis.

coherence
How well ideas connect and flow, so a reader can follow from one to the next.

reverse outline
An outline made from a finished draft, noting what each paragraph actually does.

transition
A word, phrase or sentence that shows how ideas connect, such as however, as a result or in contrast.

feedback
Responses from readers that help a writer see their draft as others do.

Remember from Grade 8

In Grade 8 you revised for clarity, focus and coherence, used old-to-new flow, cut clutter, and kept a feedback log.

Grade 9 drafts are longer and more complex, so revision needs a system. This lesson gives you one: start big, use specific strategies, and treat feedback as information, not orders. The curriculum asks you to seek feedback and use it selectively: you're the writer, so you decide.

Revision is not editing

Revision changes what the text says and how it's built: ideas, evidence, order, paragraphs, style. Editing fixes errors and accuracy: spelling, punctuation, grammar, format. Most students edit when they should revise, which is like washing a car that needs a new engine.

Use ARMS for revision:

Add: missing evidence, an explanation, a transition, a counterargument, a definition.
Remove: repetition, off-topic sentences, filler (In this essay I will...), weak evidence.
Move: a stronger point to the end, a definition earlier, a sentence to the paragraph it belongs in.
Substitute: a vague word for a precise one, a dull verb for an active one, a weak example for a better one.

Start with the biggest questions. There's no point polishing a sentence in a paragraph you're about to cut. Revision uses ARMS: Add, Remove, Move, Substitute.

Four strategies that work

Reverse outline: after drafting, write one line per paragraph describing what it does. Compare it to your thesis. (See the diagram below.)
Read aloud: you'll hear missing words, sentences that run out of breath, and repeated rhythms. Better yet, have the computer or someone else read it to you.
The "So what?" test: after each paragraph, ask So what? Why does this matter to my thesis? If you can't answer, the paragraph needs explanation or should go.
Sentence-start check: list the first three words of every sentence in a paragraph. If they all start the same way (The... The... The... It...), vary them.

Coherence: connect, don't just stack

Each topic sentence should connect to the thesis.
Use transitions that show the real relationship: addition (also, furthermore), contrast (however, yet, in contrast), cause (because, as a result), example (for instance), sequence (first, then, finally).
Repeat key terms rather than switching words for variety; in an essay, consistent terms help readers follow.

Write one short note per paragraph saying what it does. The notes reveal problems quickly: two paragraphs make the same point, and a reason promised in the thesis never appears.

Worked example

Let's revise one paragraph

Draft: Composting is good. In this paragraph I will talk about money. Compost bins are cheap. They are not expensive. The city might pick up compost. Also my friend said the cafeteria pizza is bad. So we should compost.

Focus (Remove): my friend said the cafeteria pizza is bad is off-topic. In this paragraph I will talk about money is filler. They are not expensive repeats cheap.
Clarity (Substitute): good and cheap are vague. Replace with precise information: about $300 for two outdoor bins (from a store's website), and a possible free city pickup.
Add: a topic sentence that connects to the thesis, evidence with a source, and an explanation (the So what?).
Coherence (Move and connect): put the cost first, then the pickup, then the explanation, joined by transitions.
Revised: A composting program would also cost the school very little. Two outdoor compost bins cost about $300 (Green Garden Supply), less than the school spends on a single field trip bus. In addition, the city collects green bin waste from some public buildings at no charge, and the school could ask to be added to that route. As a result, the main costs would be one-time purchases, not a new yearly expense.

The revised paragraph has a clear topic sentence linked to the thesis, specific cited evidence, logical order, transitions, and an explanation of why the evidence matters. (The source and the bus comparison are invented for this lesson.)

Getting and using feedback

Ask specific questions. Is it good? gets Yeah, it's good. Instead ask: Where did you get confused? Which paragraph is least convincing? Does my conclusion feel earned?

Use feedback selectively. For each comment, decide:

Does it point to a real problem (even if the suggested fix is wrong)?
Does the suggested change fit my purpose and audience?
If two readers disagree, which matches my goals and the assignment criteria?

Keep a short feedback log: the comment, your decision (use / adapt / don't use) and why. Teachers often ask for this, and it proves your revision was thoughtful.

Give feedback the way you'd like to get it

A simple protocol: Praise something specific (Your second example about the bus is vivid), ask a Question (What do you mean by "fair" in paragraph 3?), and make a Suggestion (Could you move the strongest reason last?). Comment on the writing, never on the writer.

Hands-on activity

Scissors revision

Print a draft of something you've written (or copy one by hand). A grown-up should be nearby when using scissors.

Cut the draft into paragraphs. On the back of each, write what it does (reverse outline).
Lay them out in order. Is there a repeat? A gap? A better order? Move the pieces until the order is strongest.
Read each paragraph aloud to someone at home. Mark any place you stumble.
Ask your listener one specific question (Which part was least clear?). Record their answer and your decision in a feedback log.
Tape or retype the draft in its new order and make the ARMS changes.

What to look for: at least one paragraph moved or removed and at least one addition. Real revision changes the shape of the draft.

Just for fun

Experienced writers often say the secret to good writing is rewriting. Which makes sense: nobody has ever said, "Wow, what a great first pancake."

Your turn

Revision or editing? (a) moving a paragraph; (b) fixing their/there; (c) adding a counterargument; (d) adding a missing comma.

What do the letters ARMS stand for?

Which sentence should be removed for focus from a paragraph about bike lanes in winter? (a) Snow covers the bike lanes for days after a storm. (b) My uncle has a red bike. (c) Ploughs push snow into the lanes.

Choose the transition that fits: The rink is free. ___, it is only open when the weather is cold enough. (because / however / for example)

Rewrite this vague feedback question as a specific one: Is my essay OK?

What does a reverse outline help you find?

More practice: warm-up

Name one revision strategy from this lesson.

What is coherence?

Should you revise or edit first?

Give a transition that shows cause.

True or false: you must use every piece of feedback you receive.

More practice: on your own

Combine into one clear sentence: The storm hit. It was Tuesday. Schools closed. The buses couldn't run.

Vary the sentence starts: The rink opened in December. The rink was crowded. The rink closed in March.

A peer says, Add more jokes to your essay on food insecurity. How would you decide whether to use this feedback?

Apply the So what? test: Our town has three outdoor rinks. Add a sentence that explains why it matters to a thesis that outdoor rinks support community.

Substitute precise words: The thing about the park is that it's really nice and has a lot of stuff.

Challenge

Revise this introduction for clarity and focus (keep it 3 to 4 sentences): Since the dawn of time, humans have eaten food. Food is important. In this essay I will talk about school breakfast programs and if they are good or bad and other things.

Two readers disagree: one says your narrative's opening is too slow; the other loves the slow, quiet start. Explain how you'd decide.

Explain how the same sentence can be clear in one place and confusing in another. Give an example.

Check your understanding

Quiz

Which is a revision change?

In ARMS, S stands for:

A reverse outline shows two paragraphs about the same point. You should:

Which transition shows contrast?

The best question to ask a peer reviewer is:

Using feedback selectively means:

For parents and teachers

Many teens think revision means fixing typos. The biggest improvement you can encourage is real structural revision: moving, cutting and adding whole sentences and paragraphs.

How to help: be a reader, not an editor. Instead of correcting their draft, tell them where you got confused, what you remember most and what you wanted more of. Ask them to explain why they kept or rejected each piece of feedback.

Common difficulties: only editing; refusing to cut anything; accepting every suggestion (or none); stacking ideas without transitions. Leaving a day between drafting and revising helps a lot, so encourage starting early.