Grade by Grade
D. Composition: Expressing Ideas and Creating Texts · Composing Complex Texts: Research, Story, Argument, Analysis and Media

Revising for Clarity, Focus and Coherence

D2.5 A1.1 A1.2About 50 minutes
Learning goals
  • I can revise the content, style, patterns and features of a draft, not just its words.
  • I can add, delete, revise and reorganize sentences to improve clarity, focus and coherence.
  • I can use revision strategies such as a thesis check, old-to-new flow, cutting clutter and a sentence-pattern check.
  • I can seek feedback, decide which to accept, adapt or reject, and explain why.

Words to know

revise
Make changes to the content, organization and style of a draft to make it communicate better.
clarity
How easy a text is to understand.
focus
How well every part of a text sticks to its main point.
coherence
How smoothly ideas connect, so readers can follow from one sentence to the next.
old-to-new flow
Starting a sentence with information the reader already knows and ending with the new information, so sentences link like a chain.
clutter
Extra words that add length but no meaning, like really, definitely, there are a lot of reasons why.
sentence pattern
The shape of your sentences: how they start, how long they are and how they're built.
feedback log
A record of the feedback you got and what you decided to do with each piece.

Remember from Grade 7

In Grade 7 you revised by adding, deleting, revising and reorganizing, used a reverse outline to check paragraph order, used transitions for coherence, and used feedback selectively.

The Grade 8 curriculum asks you to revise content, elements of style, patterns and features. That means checking your ideas, your style, the patterns in your sentences, and features like headings and captions. You'll add four new strategies and keep a feedback log.

Four Grade 8 revision strategies

  1. Thesis check (focus): highlight your thesis. Then read each sentence and ask: Does this serve the thesis? Delete or move what doesn't.
  2. Old-to-new flow (coherence): begin each sentence with something the reader already knows (from the sentence before) and end with something new. A walking school bus is a group of students... These groups follow a set route...
  3. Cut the clutter (clarity): remove words that add nothing: really, very, definitely, basically, there are a lot of reasons why, in my opinion I think. Replace vague words (good, stuff, things) with precise ones.
  4. Sentence-pattern check (style): list the first three words of every sentence and count the words in each. Too many identical starts or lengths? Combine, split or rearrange.

A draft paragraph (written for this lesson)

(1) There are a lot of reasons why a walking school bus is a really good idea that our school should definitely think about doing. (2) A walking school bus is a group of students who walk to school together with adult volunteers along a set route. (3) Cars cause traffic jams at drop-off. (4) My cousin lives in Sudbury. (5) Students who walk arrive more awake. (6) Also it is good. (7) In winter, the volunteers can make sure everyone crosses icy streets safely.

Worked example

Let's revise the paragraph

Use the four strategies on the draft.

  1. Cut the clutter in sentence 1: There are a lot of reasons why... really... definitely think about doing becomes the clear thesis: Our school should start a walking school bus this winter.
  2. Thesis check: sentence 4 (My cousin lives in Sudbury) doesn't serve the thesis. Delete. Sentence 6 (Also it is good) is too vague to serve anything. Delete (or replace with a real reason).
  3. Reorganize: the reader needs the definition (2) right after the thesis. Then reasons, saving the most important for last: traffic (3), alertness (5), winter safety (7).
  4. Add evidence and transitions: First... Second... Most importantly..., plus a specific detail for each reason.
  5. Old-to-new flow: each sentence picks up something the reader already knows. A walking school bus is... repeats the end of the thesis; a line that now stretches... picks up the drop-off line; walking wakes students up picks up the idea of walkers.
  6. Sentence patterns: the draft opens with two long sentences (24 and 21 words), then turns choppy: four very short sentences in a row (4 to 6 words each). Combine some, cut the ones that failed the thesis check, and vary the starts.

Revised: Our school should start a walking school bus this winter. A walking school bus is a group of students who walk to school together along a set route with adult volunteers. First, every walker means one fewer car in the drop-off line, a line that now stretches past the corner most mornings. Second, walking wakes students up: in our class survey (a pretend one), most walkers said they feel alert in first period. Most importantly, in winter the volunteers can make sure everyone crosses icy streets safely.

Sentence 1:...a set route.Sentence 2:That route...Sentence 3:Those corners...Each sentence picks up an idea from the one before it(old information), then adds something new.
Old-to-new flow links sentences like a chain.

Revise features and patterns too

  • Features: Do your headings tell readers what each section is about? Does every image have a caption that says why it's there? Is the graph labelled?
  • Patterns across the whole text: Does every paragraph start with Another reason is...? Do you overuse one word (very, also, so)? Use find to count it.
  • Style: Does the tone stay consistent? Are your verbs strong (stretches, wakes) or weak (is, has, gets)?
Draft: words per sentence1242213645 (cut)5664 (cut)712Revised: words per sentence110221321421514Two long sentences, then a choppy runof very short ones (4 to 6 words)Five varied starts; lengthsfrom 10 to 21 words
A sentence-pattern check on the walking school bus paragraph. Counting words per sentence shows the draft's choppy middle; dashed bars are the sentences the thesis check cut.
Worked example

Let's use feedback selectively

Three readers gave feedback on the revised paragraph. Decide what to do with each.

  1. Reader 1 (classmate): Add a joke at the start to make it fun. → Reject. The audience is the principal and the tone is formal; a joke could weaken it.
  2. Reader 2 (parent): Who are the volunteers? Parents might worry. → Accept. Add: Volunteers would be parents and guardians who have completed the school's volunteer screening.
  3. Reader 3 (teacher): Your survey claim needs a number. → Adapt. Instead of most walkers, give the actual count: 18 of 24 walkers said... (pretend numbers).

A feedback log records each suggestion, the decision (accept, adapt, reject) and a reason. The reason is what shows you are revising thoughtfully.

FeedbackDecisionReason
Add a joke at the startRejectDoesn't suit a formal letter to the principal
Explain who the volunteers areAcceptParents (a secondary audience) need to trust the plan
Give a number for the surveyAdaptUse the real count instead of most
A feedback log.

Ask for the feedback you need

Vague requests (Is it good?) get vague answers. Ask specific questions: Where did you get confused? Which reason is weakest? Does the ending tell you what to do? Ask different readers different questions, depending on what they know.

Just for fun

This sentence is basically, really, very, totally, definitely, honestly just about clutter. Cut the clutter and you get: This sentence is about clutter. Much better. (Basically.)

Hands-on activity

Scissors revision

You need: a printed or handwritten draft of something you wrote (at least two paragraphs), scissors (a grown-up should help younger siblings; take care with the blades), tape, highlighters, and one reader at home.

  1. Thesis check: highlight your thesis. Put a check mark beside every sentence that serves it, and an X beside any that doesn't.
  2. Cut the paragraphs or key sentences apart with scissors and rearrange them on the table until the order makes the most sense. Tape them down.
  3. Cut the clutter: cross out at least five words that add nothing.
  4. Sentence-pattern check: write the first three words of every sentence in a list. Change any start you used more than twice.
  5. Ask your reader two specific questions. Record their answers in a feedback log with your decisions and reasons.
  6. Write a clean revised version.

Your turn

1

What four things does the Grade 8 curriculum ask you to revise?

2

What does coherence mean?

3

Cut the clutter: In my opinion, I personally think that basically the rink is really very important.

4

Why was My cousin lives in Sudbury deleted from the draft?

5

Rewrite sentence 2 so it starts with old information: (1) Our town has a new library. (2) A rooftop garden was added to it last spring.

6

What three decisions can you make about a piece of feedback?

7

Turn this into a specific feedback question: Is my essay okay?

More practice: warm-up

1

What does revise mean?

2

Name two clutter words.

3

What is a feedback log?

4

What does a thesis check test?

5

Name one feature you might revise.

More practice: on your own

1

These sentences all start the same way. Revise them for variety: I went to the rink. I put on my skates. I fell twice. I laughed.

2

Reorganize these sentences into a coherent order and say which strategy you used: (a) That's why the town built a second rink. (b) The first rink was always crowded. (c) Riverside has two outdoor rinks.

3

Replace the vague words: The thing about the park is it has good stuff for kids.

4

A reader says Your conclusion just repeats your introduction. Accept, adapt or reject? Explain and say what you'd change.

5

Explain the difference between revising and editing.

Challenge

1

Revise this paragraph for focus, clarity and coherence: Snowshoeing is a sport. It is good for you. There are many trails. My uncle has old wooden snowshoes. You can snowshoe in provincial parks. It is cheaper than skiing. Snowshoes are easy to learn.

2

Do a sentence-pattern check on the revised walking school bus paragraph: what are the first two words of each sentence, and is there enough variety?

3

You get two opposite pieces of feedback: one reader says your story's ending is too sad; another says it's the best part. How do you decide what to do?

Check your understanding

Quiz

1.

Which revision improves focus?

2.

Which sentence pair shows old-to-new flow?

3.

Which is clutter?

4.

A reader's suggestion doesn't fit your audience. You should…

5.

Revising features means checking…

6.

What does a sentence-pattern check look for?

For parents and teachers

Big ideas (D2.5): Grade 8 students revise the content, elements of style, patterns and features of drafts, adding, deleting, revising and reorganizing sentences to improve clarity, focus and coherence, and seek and selectively use feedback. Explaining feedback decisions builds transferable skills (A1.1) and student agency (A1.2).

How to help at home:

  • Be a reader who answers specific questions. Ask your child what kind of feedback they want.
  • Praise revisions that change ideas or order, not just spelling.
  • Help with the scissors activity; physically moving paragraphs makes reorganizing concrete.

Common difficulties:

  • Treating revision as recopying neatly.
  • Accepting every suggestion (or none).
  • Keeping clutter because it makes writing longer.

Safety: Supervise scissors use for younger siblings joining in. The walking school bus draft and survey are pretend.