D. Composition: Expressing Ideas and Creating Texts · Creating Complex Texts

Revising: Adding, Deleting and Re-sequencing for Clarity and Focus

D2.5 A1.1 A1.2About 50 minutes

Learning goals

I can revise the content, style, sentence patterns and features of my drafts.
I can add, delete and re-sequence sentences to make my writing clearer, more focused and more coherent.
I can choose which feedback to use and explain why.

Words to know

revise
To improve the content and style of a draft: ideas, words, sentences and organization.

re-sequence
To change the order of sentences or paragraphs so ideas flow logically.

clarity
Being easy to understand.

focus
Staying on the main idea.

coherence
Ideas connecting and flowing smoothly from one to the next.

transition
A word or phrase that links ideas, like however, as a result or later that day.

feedback
Comments and suggestions from readers to help improve your work.

Remember from Grade 5

In Grade 5 you revised with ARMS (Add, Remove, Move, Substitute), improved sentence patterns and text features, and decided which feedback to use.

In Grade 6 you'll focus on three goals: clarity (easy to understand), focus (on the main idea) and coherence (ideas flow logically). Your three main moves are:

Add sentences that explain, give an example or link ideas.
Delete sentences that are off-topic or repeat.
Re-sequence sentences or paragraphs so they follow a logical order.

A draft paragraph (written for this lesson)

(1) Our class's recycling project was a success. (2) At the end of the month, we had collected 200 cans and bottles. (3) My favourite drink is apple juice. (4) First, we put bins in every classroom. (5) We put bins in every classroom. (6) Then each class took turns emptying them. (7) It was good.

Worked example

Let's revise the paragraph

Use the draft paragraph above.

Focus: delete sentence (3). It's off-topic.
Delete sentence (5). It repeats sentence (4).
Re-sequence: sentence (2) tells the result, so it should come after the steps (4) and (6), not before.
Add a transition and a reason for clarity: As a result of everyone's help,...
Substitute the vague sentence (7) with an ending that explains why it matters: The project showed that small actions add up.
Revised: Our class's recycling project was a success. First, we put bins in every classroom. Then each class took turns emptying them. As a result of everyone's help, by the end of the month we had collected 200 cans and bottles. The project showed that small actions add up.

Deleting off-topic and repeated sentences improved focus; re-sequencing improved coherence; adding a transition and a stronger ending improved clarity.

The revision as a map: delete sentences (3) and (5), move the result (2) after the steps, and add a transition and a stronger ending.

Revision question	What to try
Is my main idea clear?	Add or sharpen the topic sentence or thesis.
Does every sentence belong?	Delete off-topic or repeated sentences.
Do ideas follow a logical order?	Re-sequence sentences or paragraphs; add transitions.
Do my sentences all sound the same?	Vary length and beginnings; combine short choppy sentences.
Are my words precise?	Substitute vague words (good, nice, stuff) with specific ones.
Do my text features help?	Add or fix headings, captions or diagrams.

A revision checklist for content, style, sentence patterns and features.

Worked example

Let's decide which feedback to use

Your persuasive essay asks for a longer recess. You get three comments: (A) Your second reason has no evidence. (B) Make it about lunch instead. (C) I got lost when you jumped from reason 1 to the counterclaim.

Ask of each comment: Does it help my purpose and audience?
A: yes. Evidence will make the essay more convincing. Use it.
B: it changes the whole topic, which isn't my purpose. Thank them, but don't use it.
C: yes. It points to a coherence problem. Use it: add a transition, or re-sequence so all reasons come before the counterclaim.

Use A and C; politely set aside B. Writers use feedback selectively, choosing what helps their purpose.

Just for fun

Sentence (3), My favourite drink is apple juice, is a perfectly nice sentence. It just wandered into the wrong paragraph, like a cat at a dog show.

Revise in passes

Don't try to fix everything at once. Read your draft several times, each time with one focus:

Content pass: main idea, focus, details.
Order pass: sequence and transitions.
Style pass: word choice and sentence variety.

Read aloud each time; your ears catch what your eyes miss.

Revise in passes: read the whole draft three times, with one job each time. Read aloud on every pass.

Hands-on activity

Cut-and-shuffle revision

You need: a draft you wrote (or the sample above), scissors (ask a grown-up), tape, a pencil and a highlighter.

Copy your draft so that each sentence is on its own line, then cut the lines into strips.
Read each strip. Put any off-topic or repeated strips in a pile to the side.
Arrange the remaining strips in the best order. Try two different orders and read both aloud.
Where ideas jump, write a transition on a new strip and add it.
Tape the final order onto paper.
Ask a family member for feedback. Highlight the comments you will use, and write one sentence explaining why.

Your turn

What are the three main revising moves in this lesson?

What is coherence?

Which sentence should be deleted from a paragraph about how to plant a tree? A) Dig a hole twice as wide as the roots. B) My cousin's birthday is in May. C) Water the tree well.

Put in a logical order: (a) Then we mixed the batter. (b) Finally, we baked the muffins. (c) First, we measured the flour.

Add a transition to link: We practised every day. We won the tournament.

Substitute a precise word for good in: The soup was good.

Why use feedback selectively?

More practice: warm-up

What does revise mean?

What does re-sequence mean?

What does focus mean in writing?

Name a transition word.

Is fixing a spelling mistake revising or editing?

More practice: on your own

Combine these choppy sentences: The fox was red. The fox was quick. The fox ran into the woods.

A paragraph about beavers ends with a sentence about ducks. What should you do?

Add a sentence that gives an example: Many animals change in winter.

A reader says your story's ending is confusing. Name two revisions you could try.

Explain why reading aloud helps revising.

Challenge

Revise for focus and coherence: Canada has three territories. Yukon's capital is Whitehorse. I want to visit someday. Nunavut became a territory in 1999. The Northwest Territories' capital is Yellowknife. Nunavut's capital is Iqaluit.

You receive two pieces of feedback that disagree: one reader wants more description, another says the story is too slow. How do you decide?

Explain the difference between revising and editing, with one example of each.

Check your understanding

Quiz

Which revision improves focus?

What does re-sequence mean?

Which transition shows a result?

Which feedback should you probably not use for your essay about recess?

Which is a revising task?

What does coherence mean?

For parents and teachers

Big idea (D2.5): Grade 6 students revise the content, style, patterns and features of drafts using various strategies, including adding, deleting and re-sequencing sentences to improve clarity, focus and coherence, and selectively using feedback. Giving and using feedback connects to Strand A: collaboration and communication (A1.1) and reflecting on their own growth (A1.2).

How to help at home:

Give one specific compliment and one specific question, not a list of fixes.
Let your child decide which feedback to use; ask them to explain why.
Encourage reading drafts aloud.

Common difficulties:

Only fixing spelling when asked to revise. Remind them that revising is about ideas and order.
Attachment to every sentence. Cutting is part of good writing.
Taking all feedback. Practise asking: Does this help my purpose?

Safety note: supervise scissor use in the activity.