Grade by Grade
D. Composition: Expressing Ideas and Creating Texts · Writing for Real Audiences

Revising: Content, Sentence Patterns, Features and Feedback

D2.5 A1.1 A1.2About 40 minutes
Learning goals
  • I can revise my draft using the ARMS strategy: add, remove, move and substitute.
  • I can revise sentence patterns by combining sentences and varying how they begin and how long they are.
  • I can choose which feedback to use, and explain why, to make my writing clear, focused and coherent.

Words to know

revise
To improve the content and style of a draft: ideas, words, sentences and organization.
ARMS
A revising strategy: Add, Remove, Move, Substitute.
sentence pattern
The way a sentence is built, like its beginning, length and structure.
sentence combining
Joining two or more short sentences into one smoother sentence.
clarity
Being easy to understand.
focus
Staying on the main idea.
coherence
Ideas connecting and flowing smoothly from one to the next.

Remember from Grade 4

In Grade 4 you revised word choice, added and deleted sentences, linked paragraphs with transitions, and used feedback to make a plan.

In Grade 5 you will also revise sentence patterns and text features, use a wider range of strategies, and decide which feedback to use.

Revising vs. editing

Revising improves the message: ideas, words, sentences and organization. Editing fixes conventions: spelling, punctuation, grammar and format. Revise first. There's no point fixing the spelling of a sentence you're going to delete!

REVISINGimproves the MESSAGEideaswordssentencesorganizationEDITINGfixes CONVENTIONSspellingpunctuationgrammarformatRevise first, then edit.
Revise first, then edit. There's no point fixing the spelling of a sentence you're about to delete!
ARMSAsk yourselfExample
AddWhat's missing? Does my reader need a detail, example or explanation?Add because the ice was too thin to explain why skating was cancelled.
RemoveWhat's off-topic, repeated or unnecessary?Remove My cousin likes pizza from a report on the Great Lakes.
MoveIs anything in a confusing order?Move the strongest reason to the end of a persuasive letter.
SubstituteIs there a stronger or clearer word or sentence?Change went to trudged through the snow.
ARMS: four revising moves

Revising sentence patterns

If every sentence sounds the same, readers get bored. Try:

  • Combining short sentences: The fox was red. It was fast. It ran into the woods. → The fast red fox ran into the woods.
  • Changing how sentences begin: start with a time (At dawn,), a place (Under the bridge,), or an action word (Shivering,).
  • Mixing long and short sentences: a short sentence after long ones adds punch. We waited and waited for the bus in the freezing wind. It never came.

Revising features

Check the features of your form: Does my report have helpful subheadings? Does my story have paragraphs for each new speaker? Does my persuasive letter have a call to action? Do my transitions connect the paragraphs?

The fox was red.It was fast.It ran into the woods.The fast red fox ran into the woods.3 short sentences → 1 smooth one
Sentence combining: three short, choppy sentences become one smooth sentence with the same information.
Worked example

Let's revise a paragraph with ARMS and sentence patterns

Draft: Moose are big. Moose live in Canada. They are really really big. They eat plants. My dog is smaller than a moose. They eat plants in the water too. Moose are good swimmers.

  1. Remove: My dog is smaller than a moose (off-topic) and the repeated really really big.
  2. Substitute: change big to something more exact: are among the largest animals in Canada's forests.
  3. Combine the two plant sentences: They eat plants on land and in the water.
  4. Move: put They are good swimmers right after the water sentence, since they connect.
  5. Add a topic sentence and vary the beginnings.

Moose are among the largest animals in Canada's forests. They eat plants on land and even in the water. Because they are strong swimmers, they can wade into lakes and ponds to reach water plants.

Worked example

Let's decide which feedback to use

Ari wrote a funny story about a raccoon that steals his lunch. He got four pieces of feedback.

  1. Feedback 1: Make the raccoon a dragon instead. Ask: does it fit my purpose? My story is realistic and funny. A dragon changes the whole story. Don't use it.
  2. Feedback 2: I got confused about where the lunch bag was before the raccoon took it. Clarity problem. Use it: add a sentence about where the bag was.
  3. Feedback 3: The middle is long. The part about the bus ride doesn't matter. Focus problem. Use it: remove the bus ride.
  4. Feedback 4: Use bigger words to sound more grown up. Ari's voice is funny and casual on purpose. Use some of it: he'll substitute a few vague words, but keep his voice.
  5. Explain: Ari used feedback that helps clarity, focus and coherence, and kept his own purpose and voice.

Writers decide selectively: use feedback that helps the reader understand, and politely set aside feedback that doesn't fit the purpose.

Just for fun

Ari set aside the feedback to turn his raccoon into a dragon. Good call: a dragon stealing lunch would need a much bigger lunch bag. 🦝

Read it aloud

The fastest way to find revising problems is to read your draft aloud, slowly. Where you stumble, a sentence probably needs fixing. Where you get bored, something needs cutting or a stronger word. Where you're confused, something needs adding.

Hands-on activity

Revise with coloured pencils

You need: a piece of your own writing (at least two paragraphs), four coloured pencils or crayons, a grown-up.

  1. Read your draft aloud.
  2. Use one colour for each ARMS move: mark where to add, remove, move and substitute.
  3. Find three short sentences in a row and combine two of them.
  4. Change the beginnings of two sentences.
  5. Ask a grown-up for two pieces of feedback. For each, decide: Use it, use part of it, or set it aside? Write why.
  6. Rewrite the draft and read both versions aloud. Which sounds better?

Your turn

1

What does ARMS stand for?

2

Revising or editing? Changing the order of two paragraphs.

3

Revising or editing? Fixing a missing period.

4

Combine: The rink was cold. The rink was crowded.

5

Change the beginning: We went sledding after lunch.

6

Substitute a stronger verb: The wind went through the trees.

7

A friend says your report needs more pictures, but it's an audio podcast. Use the feedback or not? Why?

More practice: warm-up

1

What does coherence mean?

2

What is sentence combining?

3

Which ARMS move is deleting an off-topic sentence?

4

Should you revise or edit first?

5

Give one way to start a sentence differently.

More practice: on your own

1

Combine into one sentence: Lena has a puppy. The puppy is brown. It loves the snow.

2

Add a detail to make this clearer: The game was cancelled.

3

A paragraph has eight sentences, all about 10 words long. How could you revise the pattern?

4

Which feedback helps focus? A) Your story has two different main problems, and I'm not sure which matters. B) I like the title.

5

Explain why you might not use every piece of feedback.

Challenge

1

Revise with ARMS and sentence patterns: Saturday was fun. We went to the sugar bush. We saw sap buckets. The sap was dripping. We ate taffy on snow. It was good. My shoe was untied.

2

You get two opposite pieces of feedback: Make it longer and Make it shorter. How do you decide?

3

Revise this report's features: a three-paragraph report on beluga whales with no title, no subheadings and no conclusion.

Check your understanding

Quiz

1.

Which is a revising change?

2.

What does the S in ARMS stand for?

3.

Which sentence best combines The owl was white. The owl was silent. It flew over the field.?

4.

A friend's feedback would change your true story into a fantasy. What should you do?

5.

Which revision improves coherence?

6.

Why vary sentence length?

For parents and teachers

Big idea (D2.5): Grade 5 writers revise content, style, sentence patterns and features by adding and deleting, using a range of strategies and selectively applying feedback to improve clarity, focus and coherence. This builds critical thinking and self-directed learning (A1.1, A1.2).

How to help at home:

  • When giving feedback, start with what works, then ask a question (I wasn't sure where the lunch bag was) rather than rewriting it yourself.
  • Respect your child's choice not to use a suggestion if they can explain why.
  • Have them read aloud; ears catch what eyes miss.

Common difficulties:

  • Revising only spelling. That's editing. Ask an ARMS question instead.
  • Feeling hurt by feedback. Remind them feedback is about the writing, not the writer.
  • Deleting voice while revising. Keep the phrases that sound like them.

Fact used: Moose often feed on water plants and are strong swimmers; this is reported by Canadian wildlife sources.