D. Composition: Expressing Ideas and Creating Texts · Writing with Purpose and Voice

Revising: Making Writing Clear, Focused and Smooth

D2.5 D2.3 A1.1About 40 minutes

Learning goals

I can revise my writing so it is clear, stays on topic and flows smoothly.
I can add sentences that help and delete sentences that don't belong.
I can choose more exact words.
I can give and use kind, specific feedback.

Words to know

revise
To change the ideas, order and words of your writing to make it better.

clarity
Being clear and easy to understand.

focus
Staying on one topic or main idea.

coherence
When ideas are in a sensible order and connect smoothly.

transition words
Words that link ideas: first, next, also, however, because, finally.

feedback
Ideas from a reader about what is working and what could be better.

success criteria
A checklist of what good writing of this kind needs.

Remember from Grade 2

In Grade 2 you used ARMS to revise: Add, Remove, Move and Substitute. You also gave feedback with two stars and a wish. In Grade 3 you will revise for three big goals: clarity, focus and coherence.

Revising goal	Ask yourself	What to do
Clarity (clear)	Will my reader understand exactly what I mean?	Add details. Swap vague words (stuff, thing, nice) for exact ones.
Focus (on topic)	Does every sentence fit my main idea?	Delete sentences that wander off topic.
Coherence (flows)	Are my ideas in a sensible order? Do they connect?	Move sentences. Add transition words.

Three big revising goals

The three revising goals, with a change from the camping model for each: an exact detail, a deleted off-topic sentence, and transition words.

A model of revising

Draft:

Last summer we went camping. It was nice. My cousin has a new bike. We saw stuff in the lake. First we set up the tent. We went canoeing. Then we went home.

Revised:

Last summer, my family went camping at Algonquin Park. First, we set up our tent between two tall pine trees. Next, we paddled a canoe across the lake. Near the shore, we spotted a loon diving for fish, and later we watched a beaver drag a branch to its lodge. On the last morning, we packed up our muddy gear and drove home, tired but happy.

Worked example

Let's see what changed

Compare the draft and the revised version above.

Deleted My cousin has a new bike. It's not about camping (focus).
Substituted vague words: nice and stuff became exact details: a loon diving for fish, a beaver dragging a branch (clarity).
Moved First we set up the tent to the beginning, where it belongs in time order (coherence).
Added transition words: First, Next, later, On the last morning (coherence).
Added a feeling at the end: tired but happy (voice).

Revising changed ideas, order and words. It did not just fix spelling. That's what makes it revising, not editing.

ARMS names the four ways to revise. Each one changes the ideas, order or words, not the spelling.

Feedback that helps

Writers ask readers for feedback. Good feedback is kind, specific and helpful. It talks about the writing, not the writer.

Not helpful: "It's good." "I don't like it."
Helpful: "Your beaver part made me picture it clearly. I got confused about when you went canoeing. Was that the first day?"

Use sentence starters:

I liked how you...
I wondered about...
Could you add...?
I got confused when...

When you get feedback, say thank you, think about it, and decide what to change. You are the author!

Worked example

Let's use feedback to revise

Aiden's draft: "Our school had a fire drill. The bell rang. We went outside." His partner says: "I wondered how you felt. Could you add what you did when the bell rang?"

Aiden thinks about the feedback. Both ideas would make his writing clearer.
He adds details about what they did: We lined up quietly and walked to the field, just like we practised.
He adds a feeling: My heart thumped when the bell clanged, even though I knew it was only a drill.
He reads it again to check that it flows.

"Our school had a fire drill. When the bell clanged, my heart thumped, even though I knew it was only a drill. We lined up quietly and walked to the field, just like we practised."

Just for fun

Why did the writer delete My cousin has a new bike?

It was wheel-y off topic!

Revising tricks

Read your writing out loud. Your ears catch bumpy parts your eyes miss.
Use a different colour for revisions so you can see your changes.
Revise one goal at a time: first focus, then clarity, then flow.
Leave space. Write drafts on every other line so there is room to revise.
Use success criteria. Check your draft against a list of what that form needs (for example, a story needs a problem and a solution).

Hands-on activity

Revision detectives

You need: a piece of your own writing (from this unit or school), two coloured pencils, and a grown-up partner.

Read your writing aloud to your partner.
Your partner gives feedback using the sentence starters: one I liked... and one I wondered... or Could you add...?
With colour 1, cross out any sentence that is off topic (focus).
With colour 2, add at least one detail and swap one vague word for an exact one (clarity).
Draw arrows to move any sentence that is out of order, and add at least one transition word (coherence).
Read it aloud again. Ask: Which change made the biggest difference?

Your turn

What are the three big revising goals in Grade 3?

Which sentence breaks the focus? Bees make honey. They collect nectar from flowers. My aunt lives in Calgary. Bees store honey in a hive.

Make this clearer: We ate stuff at the party.

Add transition words: We made the batter. We poured it in the pan. We baked it.

Turn this into helpful feedback: "Your story is bad."

Is fixing spelling revising or editing?

Why is it a good idea to read your writing out loud?

More practice: warm-up

What does revise mean?

What does ARMS stand for?

Name one transition word.

Should feedback be about the writing or the writer?

Who decides what changes to make to your writing?

More practice: on your own

Put in order and add transitions: We ate the pancakes. We mixed flour, milk and eggs. We cooked them on the pan.

Swap the vague word nice for an exact one: It was a nice day for skating.

Delete the off-topic sentence: Firefighters keep us safe. They put out fires. I had cereal for breakfast. They also teach fire safety at schools.

Add one sentence that makes this clearer: My dog is smart.

Your partner says your story's ending is too sudden. What could you do?

Challenge

Revise for focus, clarity and coherence: Then we went to the farm. We picked apples. Bus. My sister likes horses. At first we got on the bus. They were good.

Write a piece of helpful feedback (one I liked and one I wondered) for this paragraph: Polar bears live in the Arctic. They are white. They eat seals.

Explain the difference between revising and editing to a Grade 1 student.

Check your understanding

Quiz

Which change is revising?

What does focus mean in writing?

Which is the most helpful feedback?

Which word is a transition word?

Which sentence is the clearest?

After you get feedback, what should you do?

For parents and teachers

Big idea (D2.5): Grade 3 writers revise content and style (word choice, adding or deleting sentences) to improve clarity, focus and coherence, seeking feedback. Giving and receiving feedback builds collaboration and communication skills (A1.1).

How to help at home:

Be a real reader. Tell your child where you got confused or wanted to know more.
Use the sentence starters (I liked..., I wondered..., Could you add...?) so feedback stays kind and specific.
Have your child write drafts on every other line to leave room for changes.

Common difficulties:

"It's already done!" Many children think revising means they did it wrong. Explain that all authors revise many times.
Only fixing spelling. Remind them that's editing, which comes later.
Taking feedback personally. Model receiving feedback yourself with "Thank you, I'll think about that."